


Kotae nado nai no ga sou kotae da ne (You’ve got no answer for my questions, do you?)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Emotional Hurt, Fights, M/M, Smoking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-07
Updated: 2018-09-07
Packaged: 2019-07-08 02:43:21
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15921204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: “I'm here, Yuya. And I wish you’d made me feel it’s enough.”“It’s not, Yuri.”





	Kotae nado nai no ga sou kotae da ne (You’ve got no answer for my questions, do you?)

Chinen took a hit off the cigarette, lost in his thoughts.

It was long, and at some point he thought he had heard the crackling sound of the tobacco burning, as silent as the room was.

He looked at Yuya, sitting on the other side of the bed, a book in his hands.

He was tempted to make an angry sound, to point out he had been on the same page for fifteen minutes now, but in the end he didn’t.

He didn’t want to draw attention on himself; he wanted the elder to do that on his own.

He inhaled the smoke, letting it out in small circles.

He and Yuya had been living together for six months now, and he had gotten used to a certain routine.

Every night, in bed, he reached the elder’s nightstand and stole a cigarette from him, lighting it up as if it was normal.

And every time Takaki started ranting about how much he disliked the fact that he smoked, he told him it was dangerous, that he was going to end up in trouble.

And Yuri kept smiling to him, almost without listening, until the elder grew tired and muttered to do as he pleased.

He never got really mad, and Yuri liked how the other worried about him, that over-the-top way he had to react to things, the frustrated look on his face when he realized he wasn’t being heard.

He loved all of this.

For a week now, Yuya hadn’t said a thing and had just let him smoke, wasting none of his attention to turn toward him and realize he had brought the cigarette to his lips.

For a week, he had been barely answering his questions.

For a week, every night, when he thought Yuri slept Yuri heard him sob, trying to muffle the sound against the pillow.

Since his fight with Hikaru Yuya hadn’t been the same, and Chinen couldn’t stand it.

He had lost his voice trying to tell him it didn’t matter what Hikaru thought, that he shouldn’t listen to him, that what mattered was for Yuya to be happy of their relationship, despite anyone else’s opinion.

And he had thought the elder had understood and agreed.

So it had seemed, until Yuri had banged his head against his mutism, until Takaki had started ignoring him, until he had had to surrender to the fact that Yuya wasn’t mad at Hikaru, that he couldn’t hate him for what he had told him, that he felt no grudge toward him.

He was just sad, more than Yuri had ever seen him.

He didn’t want to see him like this. It hurt like hell.

He took another hit off the cigarette, this time puffing out the smoke noisily, then he tore the book from Yuya’s hands and closed it, letting it go on the bed.

“Care to talk to me?” he asked, annoyed.

It wasn’t exactly the way he would’ve liked to speak, but he was way too frustrated to control himself.

“About?” the elder replied, arching his eyebrows and looking innocent.

Yuri breathed in deeply, trying to keep his anger in check.

“About how you’ve been these past few days, Yuu. About the fact that nothing seems to interest you, that you’ve been ignoring me, that you’ve stopped talking with everybody. That you’ve holed up inside yourself and refuse to get out.” he said, firm.

He wasn’t going to pretend to ignore the issue, when they both knew what it was.

“And what would you have me do? Want me to pretend nothing’s happened? That I forget that the one who’s been my best friend until a few days ago has told me that he hates me and that he’s disgusted by me?” he replied, sarcastic, shaking his head. “I'm glad you can pretend it’s all nice and normal, Yuri. But I can’t, I can’t pretend everything’s fine, because it’s not.” he added, frowning and looking down.

Chinen wanted to hug him, tell him it was going to pass, that he wasn’t going to feel this bad for long.

He wanted to, but he couldn’t bring himself to actually do it.

He saw him there, in front of him, and all he could think was how much Hikaru had hurt him, how much he was suffering; he felt incredibly selfish, but he couldn’t help feeling a vague sense of jealousy in front of that pain.

He took yet another hit off the cigarette, almost enraged, inhaling too much smoke and fighting the instinct to cough.

“I understand. I understand you feel bad, that you don’t want to pretend. But...” he hesitated, biting his lip. “I'm here, Yuya. And I wish you’d made me feel it’s enough.” he murmured, almost ashamed of his own words.

They kept silent for a while, as the younger waited anxiously for Yuya to answer.

Takaki had started torturing his fingers, twisting them, while he looked at them as if they didn’t belong to him.

“It’s not, Yuri.” he whispered in the end, as if he was afraid of his own words.

Chinen froze.

He stared at him almost disgusted, while he tried to put some order to those words in his mind, to give them a meaning other from what logic suggested.

“I'm not enough?” he asked in the end, looking dead serious.

It was only then that the elder raised his eyes on him again, unable to mask the guilt on his face.

“I'm sorry, Yuri. I... I love you, I do. And I'm not saying your presence isn't important, that it doesn’t help, I'm just saying...” he sighed, brushing a hand over his face. “I’ve known Hikaru since I was fourteen, and he’s always been my friend. All I can think about is what’s happened, how it made me feel to have him speak to me like that. It’s not about having you or not, it’s something else entirely.” he tried to explain.

But Chinen couldn’t let go.

“But if I hadn’t been here the two of you wouldn’t have fought, would you?” he hissed, sarcastic. “After all, the whole argument was about me. It’s because he thinks you’re crazy to be with me, because I'm just messing with you, because he’s so sure I don’t love you.” he added, more and more disdainful. “Yet you should know, Yuya, that it’s not like that.” he said, looking almost hopeful at him.

Takaki bit his tongue, and Yuri knew he wasn’t about to reply.

It was then that he stood up next to the bed and looking almost desperate.

“Choose what’s more important for you, then.” he murmured, nervously licking his lips. “Choose if it’s what you feel for me or Hikaru’s judgement.” he added, challenging.

The elder rushed to stand next to him, wrapping his arms around his shoulders and holding him close, leaning down to rest his face in the crook of Yuri’s neck, and when the younger felt his tears against his skin he couldn’t feel any compassion.

He didn’t care about his tears, he didn’t even care about his pain, not now.

Now all he wanted was an answer, he wanted to hear him say he was going to choose him over everything else, that it didn’t matter what others might think.

He had put too much into that relationship and that damn love for him to let everything crumble down over something so small and, at least for him, so insignificant.

“You can’t ask me to choose, Yuri.” Yuya murmured, looking as if he found the request absurd.

And he was probably right.

It was crazy asking him to choose between his best friend and him, but Chinen saw him suffer so much that all he really wanted was to be sure.

Be sure that he was right for Yuya, that he could make that sadness go away, that he could make everything else disappear, leaving only them and what they shared.

But he saw it in Yuya’s eyes, he had seen it day after day during the past week.

As much as he tried to be close to him, his presence wasn’t enough to get Hikaru out of his mind.

He felt like a failure.

“You’re right. I can’t ask you to choose.” he murmured in the end, admitting his defeat.

He pulled away from him and headed to the closet, grabbing the first clothes he saw and wearing them quickly.

“What are you doing?” Yuya sked, getting close and grabbing his arm.

“I'm going... out. I don’t want to be here, Yuya. I don’t want to see that look on your face, I don’t want to deal with the fact that all you do is think about Hikaru and what has happened. I can’t, I'm not strong enough.” he said, rushing to get dressed.

The room was starting to feel too small.

He felt suffocating, and he wanted to leave as soon as possible.

Yuya followed him to the door, without saying a word until he had opened it.

“Are you breaking up with me?” he asked, in a scared whisper.

Yuri stopped, his hand on the door handle.

He bit his tongue, then he sighed and turned to look at him.

“No. I don’t want to, not after all I’ve done to be with you.”

“But you’re leaving me alone.” the other replied, and there was no accusation in voice.

It was a statement, resigned, and Chinen felt horribly guilty.

“After all, Yuya, Hikaru’s not completely wrong.” he said, a sad smile. “I'm just a kid.” he murmured then, leaning over to press a kiss over his lips. “I love you, Yuya.” he said, getting out without looking back again.

Once on the street, he stopped for a while.

He didn’t know where to go, not yet.

He just knew he needed to get out, that he didn’t want to see Yuya, to be forced to come to terms with how wrong the whole situation was, how wrong he himself had been.

He started walking aimlessly.

He stopped at a conbini to buy cigarettes, and not because he actually wanted to smoke, but because he needed something tying him to that room, to that stale smell of smoke, to those nights spent with Yuya done nothing special but be together; those nights which seemed so far now.

He lit one up, unconcerned of who might’ve seen him or what might’ve happened.

He inhaled, letting the smoke inside his lungs, closing his eyes briefly and savouring the acrid smell.

Then, as if he had suddenly got disgusted by it, he crushed it under the sole of his shoe.

Who was he kidding?

_You’re leaving me alone._

This wasn’t how it was supposed to be.

He wished he could’ve been strong enough to be with him, to not give a damn about what he felt, to put him first and forget how unimportant he felt. He wished he hadn’t let Hikaru undermine their relationship.

But he had failed.

He kept walking.

He wanted to tear his clothes off, his own skin as well, because it made him uncomfortable, because it was drenched in that smell.

And Yuya was right.

The sharp smell of smoke, wasn’t suited to a kid.


End file.
